The half-assed integral.
Integrating ax from 0 to s
Aug 28, 2010Mathematics Patch Notes
Aug 24, 2010
(via Spiked Math)
Introducing Probability 2.0
Graph Theory Features
Number Systems
Proof Changes
Miscellaneous
Click to read the comments on this entry...Patch Notes 1.02a
"Mathematics will never be the same."
"Mathematics will never be the same."
Introducing Probability 2.0
- Upgraded probability to include real numbers in the range from 0 to 2.
- Switching in the monty hall problem is now the same as not switching.
- Due to high demand, correlation now implies causation.
Graph Theory Features
- Fixed glitch in the petersen graph so it is no longer a counter-example.
- Support is no longer offered for hypergraphs.
- Added a new color to the outdated 4-color theorem. We anticipate at least 7 colors available for planar graphs by patch 1.03.
Number Systems
- Decimal notation will be phased out next patch. This should fix the long standing bug that 1 = 0.999...
- Due to loneliness, the set of prime numbers now includes the number 1.
- Complex numbers have been deemed no longer complex and will now be known as "easy numbers".
Proof Changes
- Proof by "reference to inaccessible literature" is no longer accessible.
- A new "proof by picture" widget has been added for mac users.
Miscellaneous
- Support has been added to allow division by 0 fixing the wormhole bug.
Irish math joke
Aug 21, 2010
Bartley MacDermott wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a simple math test. The boss says:
Bartley say:
Bartley proceeds to draw three trees:
The boss asks:
To which Bartley replies:
The boss responds:
Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "There ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says:
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
To which Bartley replies:
"Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire Bartley, so he says:
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Bartley stares into space a bit, then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Here ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the picture:
"You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!"
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says:
"A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100."
Barley is now the new supervisor!
Click to read the comments on this entry..."Here is your first question; without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers? That's easy."
Bartley proceeds to draw three trees:
"What the heck is this?"
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9."
The boss responds:
"Okay, here is your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "There ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says:
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
To which Bartley replies:
"Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire Bartley, so he says:
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Bartley stares into space a bit, then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Here ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the picture:
"You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!"
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says:
"A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100."
Barley is now the new supervisor!
Binary Joke
Aug 9, 2010
I'm sure everyone has seen this joke:
I prefer the following version that goes as follows:
Click to read the comments on this entry..."There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."
I prefer the following version that goes as follows:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
- those who understand trinary,
- those who don't understand trinary
- and those who mistake it for binary.
Plumber Math Joke
Jul 31, 2010
A math professor has a problem with his plumbing, so he hires a
plumber. He watches the plumber use a wrench to tighten a joint, then
is handed a bill for a couple hundred dollars. "I had no idea that
plumbers made this much money!" he said, "I've been a math professor
for 20 years and I can't claim to make this much per hour."
So the professor decides to become a plumber and for a while he's very happy. Then the licensing board decides that plumbers need to know more math, and the professor, along with all the other plumbers, have to attend a math class. The teacher called on him one day to go to the board and compute the circumference of a circle. The professor gets to the board, but for some reason, he can't remember the formula to determine the circumference. So he decides to derive the formula.
The professor fills the board with calculations, but at the end he gets a formula that he knows is incorrect. Figuring he made a mistake somewhere along the line, he erases all his calculations and starts again, but again he gets the same incorrect answer. He's stumped! He stares at the blackboard and tries to figure out what he's doing wrong.
Then, in unison, all the other plumbers say, "Switch the limits on your integral!"
(source)
Click to read the comments on this entry...So the professor decides to become a plumber and for a while he's very happy. Then the licensing board decides that plumbers need to know more math, and the professor, along with all the other plumbers, have to attend a math class. The teacher called on him one day to go to the board and compute the circumference of a circle. The professor gets to the board, but for some reason, he can't remember the formula to determine the circumference. So he decides to derive the formula.
The professor fills the board with calculations, but at the end he gets a formula that he knows is incorrect. Figuring he made a mistake somewhere along the line, he erases all his calculations and starts again, but again he gets the same incorrect answer. He's stumped! He stares at the blackboard and tries to figure out what he's doing wrong.
Then, in unison, all the other plumbers say, "Switch the limits on your integral!"
(source)
(Comic version here)
1. Wolfram Alpha was down last night.
2. I got stuck in an infinite loop while using L'Hôpital's rule.
3. I was computing the kernel of a matrix and got hungry for popcorn and ended up watching a movie instead.
4. I have a note from my doctor which proves I have dyscalculia.
5. I got an answer of 42 for every question.
6. I left it in the 11th dimension.
7. I already did it in a parallel universe.
8. My computer crashed while I was trying to calculate pi to the five trillion'th decimal place.
9. I started by doing 1/2 of my homework, then 1/4th of it, then 1/8th of it, then 1/16th of it... and am still working on finishing it completely.
10. I lost my homework in a nullspace and can't seem to find it.
11. My homework is isomorphic to Joe's homework so just give me the same grade as him.
12. I did the first question and truncated the rest.
13. I was proving a ring was commutative and ended up watching LOTR all night.
14. I computed the inverse of a singular matrix and my homework blew up.
Click to read the comments on this entry...1. Wolfram Alpha was down last night.
2. I got stuck in an infinite loop while using L'Hôpital's rule.
3. I was computing the kernel of a matrix and got hungry for popcorn and ended up watching a movie instead.
4. I have a note from my doctor which proves I have dyscalculia.
5. I got an answer of 42 for every question.
6. I left it in the 11th dimension.
7. I already did it in a parallel universe.
8. My computer crashed while I was trying to calculate pi to the five trillion'th decimal place.
9. I started by doing 1/2 of my homework, then 1/4th of it, then 1/8th of it, then 1/16th of it... and am still working on finishing it completely.
10. I lost my homework in a nullspace and can't seem to find it.
11. My homework is isomorphic to Joe's homework so just give me the same grade as him.
12. I did the first question and truncated the rest.
13. I was proving a ring was commutative and ended up watching LOTR all night.
14. I computed the inverse of a singular matrix and my homework blew up.
Quick joke
May 14, 2010
What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza?
Click to read the comments on this entry...A pizza can feed a family of four.
Straight, gay, bisectual...
May 13, 2010
This was posted by gayandgeishaandguido.tumblr.com with the phrase:
I get the straight and bisectual, but why is there a circle for gay? Help!!
WHY AM I SO UNBEARABLY FUNNY
-The Gay
Prove these five points are colinear
Apr 30, 2010
The above (and below) comic was created by Chao Xu (许超), he's not just Asian but RadiAsian! Check out his blog (mgccl.com) for more fun stuff.
Quick math joke
Apr 29, 2010
Saw this joke on the xkcd forums today posed by Pippin:
Another one from that forum:
Click to read the comments on this entry...Spoiler hint: What is the slope of a horizontal straight line?Two of my friends in math class today:
"Dude, our slope is so undefined!"
"Straight up, bro."
Another one from that forum:
Why don't jokes work in base 8?
Because 7 10 11.
Lord of the rings math
Apr 27, 2010
Thanks to anonymous for providing the link from my previous LOTR Math entry. It was drawn by Matt 'Shaggy' Bounds and he redrew it so it looks better (as seen above). It's also on t-shirts.
Short math joke
Mar 29, 2010Pi day jokes
Mar 14, 2010
Some old pi related jokes that I've seen a bazillion times:
Mathematician: Pi r squared
Baker: No! Pie are round, cake are square!
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00.
As you know, everything shrinks in the cold.
They call it Eskimo pi.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need.
The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.
Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Answer: Pumpkin Pi!
Question: What do you get when you take the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Answer: Pi in the sky.
Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
Answer: Pi a'la mode.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Mathematician: Pi r squared
Baker: No! Pie are round, cake are square!
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00.
As you know, everything shrinks in the cold.
They call it Eskimo pi.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need.
The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.
Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Answer: Pumpkin Pi!
Question: What do you get when you take the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Answer: Pi in the sky.
Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
Answer: Pi a'la mode.
Calc joke
Feb 1, 2010
Sec c Joke
Jan 28, 2010
Why asians rock at math
Jan 28, 2010
Addition Jokes
Jan 27, 2010
A few math jokes
Jan 17, 2010
Joke 1:
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over. They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help." The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over. They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help." The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
Joke 2:
A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalists for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first."How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked.
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the statistician.
"How much is 500 plus 500?"
"On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence" replied the statistician.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the accountant.
"How much is 500 plus 500?"
"What would you like it to be?" responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.
Joke 3:
Several people are asked to prove that all odd integers greater than 2 are prime.
Tenured mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Ha! A counterexample.
Statistician: Let's verify this on several randomly selected odd numbers, say, 23, 47, and 83.
Computer programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime...
Politician: Shouldn't the goal really be to create a greater society where all numbers are prime?
Sarah Palin: What's a prime?
Click to read the comments on this entry...A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalists for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first."How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked.
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the statistician.
"How much is 500 plus 500?"
"On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence" replied the statistician.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the accountant.
"How much is 500 plus 500?"
"What would you like it to be?" responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.
Joke 3:
Several people are asked to prove that all odd integers greater than 2 are prime.
Tenured mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Ha! A counterexample.
Statistician: Let's verify this on several randomly selected odd numbers, say, 23, 47, and 83.
Computer programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime...
Politician: Shouldn't the goal really be to create a greater society where all numbers are prime?
Sarah Palin: What's a prime?
Best of MLIA
Jan 16, 2010
My Life Is Average (MLIA) is a site where you can submit average things that happened to you. Here are some of my favorites:
Today, I got the results of a math test. One of the answers was (2, infinity), and on the side I wrote "and beyond!" I got extra credit. MLIA
Today, we were taking a math test when someone's cell phone rang. It was dead silent as we heard, "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." Everyone looked around to see whose phone it was. It was my teacher's. My teacher is a man. MLIA
Today, we got our math tests back after being graded. One of my answers I knew was wrong, so I had drawn a stick figure next to it with the caption "this is a ninja in disguise. He is here to guard my answer from the Red Pen.". Next to my answer my teacher wrote "you need a new ninja." He had graded my test in blue. MLIA.
"Today, on MSN, I mistyped something to my boyfriend: I said, 'You're such an angle,' but I meant 'angel'. Without missing a beat, he replied 'Aww, you're so acute. MLIA."
Today, in my calculus class, I sat like normal listening to the lecture and taking notes. Out of nowhere, I get passed a note from the guy next to me. The paper was covered with drawings ranging from flowers to aliens and at the top it said, "Everyone draw something." The note went around the room multiple times. Glad to know I'm not the only one bored in calculus. MLIA.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Today, I got the results of a math test. One of the answers was (2, infinity), and on the side I wrote "and beyond!" I got extra credit. MLIA
Today, we were taking a math test when someone's cell phone rang. It was dead silent as we heard, "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." Everyone looked around to see whose phone it was. It was my teacher's. My teacher is a man. MLIA
Today, we got our math tests back after being graded. One of my answers I knew was wrong, so I had drawn a stick figure next to it with the caption "this is a ninja in disguise. He is here to guard my answer from the Red Pen.". Next to my answer my teacher wrote "you need a new ninja." He had graded my test in blue. MLIA.
"Today, on MSN, I mistyped something to my boyfriend: I said, 'You're such an angle,' but I meant 'angel'. Without missing a beat, he replied 'Aww, you're so acute. MLIA."
Today, in my calculus class, I sat like normal listening to the lecture and taking notes. Out of nowhere, I get passed a note from the guy next to me. The paper was covered with drawings ranging from flowers to aliens and at the top it said, "Everyone draw something." The note went around the room multiple times. Glad to know I'm not the only one bored in calculus. MLIA.
I like my women like I like my math...
Jan 8, 2010
I like my women like I like my math -- easy and at a high school level.
I like my women like I like my math -- pure and beautiful -- NOT complex and irrational.
I like my women like I like my math tests -- full of problems and easy to cheat on.
I like my women like I like my math tests -- easy and multiple choice.
I like my women like I like my math problems -- simple and easy.
I like my women like I like my math -- pure and beautiful -- NOT complex and irrational.
I like my women like I like my math tests -- full of problems and easy to cheat on.
I like my women like I like my math tests -- easy and multiple choice.
I like my women like I like my math problems -- simple and easy.
Lord of the Rings Math
Jan 5, 2010
This is too good not to post! Someone made it and posted it on facebook and I saved it to my computer. I can't seem to find the link to where it was posted though :-(.. and I can't find any websites that have the image :-(
Pizza Math
Jan 5, 2010
A well known math joke is the following:
Question: If you have a cylinder with a raduis "z" and a height of "a", then what is the volume?
Answer: pizza
Well, someone finally put it into picture format:
I'm pretty sure that Jay Fallon created the image above, but I ended up seeing it on two other websites first.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Question: If you have a cylinder with a raduis "z" and a height of "a", then what is the volume?
Answer: pizza
Well, someone finally put it into picture format:
I'm pretty sure that Jay Fallon created the image above, but I ended up seeing it on two other websites first.
Christmas Math Jokes
Dec 17, 2009
Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Q: What's purple, round, and doesn't get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.
In a previous post I had a Calculus Christmas Carol, this is the first verse (sung to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"):
Surely someone out there knows some funny Christmas Math Jokes!!Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
I'll try to make some up myself, and will let you know with what I can come up with. In the mean time, here are:
Some Christmas Riddles - that are non mathy :-(
Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D".
Q: What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
A: Lost.
Q: Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
A: Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
Q: What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Some Christmas Riddles - that are non mathy :-(
Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D".
Q: What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
A: Lost.
Q: Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
A: Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
Q: What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens.
Silly math
Dec 14, 2009
Two silly clips where the math doesn't add up.
The first one claims 13 x 7 = 28.
The second one claims 14 x 5 = 25.
Click to read the comments on this entry...The first one claims 13 x 7 = 28.
The second one claims 14 x 5 = 25.
Math Bus
Dec 11, 2009
Check out this hilarious video on youtube!!!
In this episode the Math Bros cruise around the campus of Columbia University to find some unsuspecting ladies who will do their taxes. Tom convinces a brainy physics major to get in the van for some hot number crunching, while Marty and Chris tag team a Grad Student from Central Europe for the ultimate deduction. Hold on to your TI-83 graphing calculators becuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Click to read the comments on this entry...
In this episode the Math Bros cruise around the campus of Columbia University to find some unsuspecting ladies who will do their taxes. Tom convinces a brainy physics major to get in the van for some hot number crunching, while Marty and Chris tag team a Grad Student from Central Europe for the ultimate deduction. Hold on to your TI-83 graphing calculators becuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Happy face math - CHEAT SHEET
Nov 15, 2009
You might have seen this before, it seems to have made its way around the internet. It's called Charlie Smith's Happy Face Math:
Click to read the comments on this entry...Cheat Sheet:
First Column:- 1st one is the inverse (ie, upside down)
- 2nd one is being squared (hence the square)
- 3rd one is being cubed (hence the cube)
- 4th one is supremum, but you read it as "soup", hence the soup :D
- 5th one is the partial differential operator, hence the "part of a face"
- 6th one is sine function, read as "sine", which rhymes with "sign", hence the sign
- 1st one is the "real part" of a number/function, hence, there is no imaginary part. For example, Re( a + bi ) = a. Thus, you remove the i's.
- 2nd one is imaginary part. Im( a + bi ) = b. In this case, you only keep the i's.
- 3rd one is the curl, hence the curly hair. :D
- 4th one is the gradient function, read as "grad", hence the smiley face looking like he just graduated from school. :D
- 5th one is the log function, hence the smiley face on a "log" (tree thingy)
Silly prediction quiz
Nov 1, 2009
Take this silly quiz and we will predict your all time favorite tv show!
First pick a number from 1 to 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together.
First pick a number from 1 to 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together.
Now you should get a number and find it in the chart below!
1. Smallville
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Supernatural
4. House
5. Gossip Girl
6. Heroes
7. One Tree Hill
8. Prison Break
9. Barney & Friends
10. Family Guy
11. The Office
12. Scrubs
13. Battlestar Galactica
14. CSI
15. NCIS
16. Bones
17. Naruto
18. ER
19. Desperate Housewives
20. Ghost Whisperer
A couple of math jokes
Oct 22, 2009
Practically every joke has a bar:
Another one which may make sense to some mathematicians:
- Several scientists were all asked the following question: "What is pi ?"
- The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
- The physicist said: "It is 3.14159"
- The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".
Click to read the comments on this entry...- The number twelve goes into a bar.. and he asks the server for a pint of beer.
- "Sorry, I can't serve you," says the server.
- "Why the heck not?!" asks the number twelve!
- "You're under 18," replies the server.
Another one which may make sense to some mathematicians:
- Several scientists were all asked the following question: "What is pi ?"
- The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
- The physicist said: "It is 3.14159"
- The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".
Yo momma so (nerdy ones)
Oct 16, 2009
Boing Boing had a post titled "The Nerdy Dozens", where on Xeni Jardin's twitter account a bunch of very nerdy "yo momma" jokes appeared. A lot of these were hilarious, so to preserve the ingenuity I collected the most nerdiest ones. Kudos to those who came up with these! Starting with my favorites:
- Yo mamma so fat, China uses her to block the internet.
- Yo mama so fat pkzip can't compress her.
- Yo momma so fat, it takes 5 warlocks to summon her.
- Yo momma so fat you gotta address her in 128 bit.
- Yo momma so fat they mapped her for Google street view.
- Yo momma so old she goes on carbon dates.
- Yo momma so stupid, she's currently on a quest for the Head of Vecna.
- Your momma is so mean she stole the walrus' bukkit and ate kitteh's cheezburger.
- Yo momma so mean she has no standard deviation.
and some more...
Click to read the comments on this entry...- Yo momma so fat THX can't even surround her.
- Yo momma so dumb, she went to the dentist and asked for a bluetooth.
- Yo momma so stupid, she thinks the Large Hadron Collider is a gay porn film.
- Yo momma's so big and ugly she lies dreaming in R'lyeh.
- Yo momma so fat she doesn't just have a low center of gravity, she has an elliptical orbit.
- Yo momma so old, she's an arguing point between Creationists and Evolutionists.
- Yo Momma so fat, even Ralph Lauren's Photoshop team can't help her ass.
- Yo momma so dense she got her own event horizon.
- Your momma is so fat NASA shot a rocket into her ass looking for water.
- Yo momma so weak physicists have unified her with electromagnetism.
- Yo momma so fat, she took geometry in high school just cause she heard there was gonna be some pi.
- Yo momma so fat, she bends light.
- Yo momma so big, Google ran out of pixels tryin to Street View her butt.
- Yo mama so fat, Stephen Hawking found three extra dimensions in her panties!
- Yo mama so dumb, she thinks the Lorenz-Fitzgerald contraction is what happened right before she had twins.
- Yo mama so FAT32, NTFS won't even give her permission.
- Yer momma so dumb the Higgs Boson comes back in time to shut her mouth.
- Yo mama so dumb, she thinks steampunk is a buffet item.
- Yo mama so fat that her presence itself distort the space-time tapestry.
- Yo momma so fat, her Schwarzschild radius is that of the universe.
- Yo mama so fat, she emits Bekenstein-Hawking radiation (at least until she shrinks and dissipates...)
- Your mama's so fat, when black holes see her, they shake their heads and travel in the opposite direction.
- Yo mama so fat her diet is Hawking Radiation.
- Yo mama so fat she changes the universal constant of gravitation.
- Yo mamma is so massive she has regular interactions with neutrinos.
- Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house she sits around all 10*10*16 multiversal instantiations of the house.
- Yo momma so fat, Han Solo sliced her open with a lasersaber and popped luke inside for warmth.
- Your momma is so fat NASA shot a rocket into her ass looking for water.
- Yo momma so fat, she engirdles the world, and has engendered Ragnorök.
- Yo momma so big and nasty, Al Gore's afraid when she farts it's gonna blow a new hole in the ozone layer.
- Yo momma so big, the Fail Whale sued her in Internet court for unlawful impersonation.
- Yo momma so fat, she took geometry in high school just cause she heard there was gonna be some pi.
- Yo momma so fat she doesn't just have a low center of gravity, she has an elliptical orbit.
- Yo momma so Pi, she can't be expressed accurately as a fraction.
- Yo momma's so white she thinks Malcolm X is Malcolm the 10th.
- Yo momma's so fat her laptop has a grease trap.
- Your momma's so large, CERN plans to use her to track down the Higgs boson.
- Yo momma's so big Falcon Heene tried to fly away in her.
- Yo momma so weak physicists have unified her with electromagnetism.
- Yo momma so dumb she think encryption is what happens when they bury you.
- Yo momma's so big and ugly she lies dreaming in R'lyeh.
- Yo momma so sleazy, even Valleywag won't link to her.
- Yo momma got such a big head, Ralph Lauren don't even need to photoshop her.
- Yo momma so old, she's an arguing point between Creationists and Evolutionist.
- Yo momma so round there's a formula for calculating her volume.
- Yo momma so oily, America's gonna invade her and set up a pipeline contract with Halliburton.
- Yo momma so ugly she made tubgirl run screamin and take a bath.
- Yo momma so dumb she thinks pluto is a planet.
- Yo momma so dumb, she thinks inbound links means eatin up hotdogs.
- Yo momma so dumb, she thinks the Singularity is what happens when you get divorced.
- Yo momma so skanky, not even /b/ would fap to her.
- Yo mama so big, she needs a multi-petabyte RAID array just to store her fat ass.
- Yo momma so dumb, she thought Google was her phone number. And you wonder why she don't call.
- Yo mama so dumb, when you told her your laptop was from Apple, she bit right into it and thought the keys was seeds.
- Yo momma so stupid, when Google Wave, she waved right back.
- Yo momma's so fat, when her iPhone beeps for an incoming txt, people think she's a truck backin' up.
- Yo momma so nasty Keyboard Cat furiously tried to play her off until its paws bled.
- Your mama's so fat, when black holes see her, they shake their heads and travel in the opposite direction.
- Yo mama so stupid she waited for the Universal Serial Bus.
- Your mama is so fat, she expresses her dress size in scientific notation.
- Your mama is so old, she still has gills in her prom photo.
- Yo momma so fat, the ratio of her circumference to her diameter is four.
The math behind low riding pants (how cool is it?)
Oct 10, 2009
In this post we learn all about the math behind low riding pants and how cool it really is.
I decided to do a study just to see what the relationship was. I interviewed 13,532 people and showed them each 6 pictures of people wearing low riding pants. I then asked them to select a "COOLNESS FACTOR" for each picture.
I decided to do a study just to see what the relationship was. I interviewed 13,532 people and showed them each 6 pictures of people wearing low riding pants. I then asked them to select a "COOLNESS FACTOR" for each picture.
The 'coolness factor' works as follows:
The results were amazing! I conclude that:
Click to read the comments on this entry...0 = super dorkyAfter gathering all of my results and putting it into this complex mathematical program and calculating means and standard deviations and something to do with chi, I found the following results:
1 = dorky
2 = average
3 = above average
4 = cool
5 = super cool!
The results were amazing! I conclude that:
- the higher the pants, the more dorky you are
- pants at waistline level means the person is average
- pants that are super low make you super cool
Look around you maths
Oct 8, 2009
This British comedy show is hilarious. It's called "Look Around You" and the second epsidoe is about "Maths". Check it out on youtube (at least for now):
Quote from the show (but you really have to watch it to put it in perspective!!):
Click to read the comments on this entry..."Narrator: What's the largest number you can think of ?And one of the problems they presented:
Person 1: 100,000
Person 2: 999,000
Person 3: a million!
Narrator: In actual fact it's neither of these. The largest number is about 45 billion, although mathematicians suspect there may be even larger numbers!"
"Narrator: Eight ladies go to eight shops at eight o'clock in the morning. Each lady wants to buy eight spiders. For each spider, eight spider shoes must also be bought. But they only have eight pounds between them. With each spider costing eight pence and each spider shoe costing an eighth pence each, will the ladies have enough change for the bus ride home? A journey costing eight pence per stop and made up of eight stops."Check out the wiki entry for more information.
Crazy math joke - lesson for all you undergrads
Sep 15, 2009
Let this be a lesson to all the undergrads who think they should get part marks for having a correct answer:
In a mental hospital, three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them a test.
He turns to the first guy and asks, "What is three times three?"
In a mental hospital, three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them a test.
He turns to the first guy and asks, "What is three times three?"
"274," the guy replies.
The Doctor asks the second guy, "What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second guy.
The Doctor turns to the third guy, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third guy proudly.
"That's great!!!!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third guy. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Click to read the comments on this entry...The Doctor asks the second guy, "What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second guy.
The Doctor turns to the third guy, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third guy proudly.
"That's great!!!!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third guy. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Top 7 excuses for not doing your math homework!
Sep 8, 2009- I had a constant amount of homework. I tried to derive its purpose, but I got nothing.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook, but I could never reach it.
- I am sure that I put it inside my Klein Bottle last night, but this morning I could not find it.
- I locked it in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
- I wanted to, but I couldn't find its Godel Number.
- I did some of it - the part I have left to do, is 0.9999...
Silly math test
Sep 7, 2009
Test your mathematics by answering the following questions (no peaking below):
1. Noah built it.
2. An expression that represents the loss of a parrot.
3. An appropriate title for Koll the knight.
4. A sunburned man.
5. What we do when it rains.
6. What you call someone who wrote for an Inn.
7. What the Captain said when his ship was attacked.
8. What a baby acorn says to his mother about his home.
9. What one does to trees which are in the way.
10. What you do if with yarn and needles.
11. April Fool's pranks that are a month late.
12. Minnie's mother?
13. When you multiply something by itself three times.
14. The musical beat for cutting tree limbs.
15. What a police dog does while looking for a woman criminal.
1. Noah built it.
2. An expression that represents the loss of a parrot.
3. An appropriate title for Koll the knight.
4. A sunburned man.
5. What we do when it rains.
6. What you call someone who wrote for an Inn.
7. What the Captain said when his ship was attacked.
8. What a baby acorn says to his mother about his home.
9. What one does to trees which are in the way.
10. What you do if with yarn and needles.
11. April Fool's pranks that are a month late.
12. Minnie's mother?
13. When you multiply something by itself three times.
14. The musical beat for cutting tree limbs.
15. What a police dog does while looking for a woman criminal.
Answers below:
1. Arc
2. Polygon
3. Circle
4. Tangent
5. Coincide
6. Inscribe
7. Decagon
8. Geometry
9. Axiom
10. Unit
11. Matrix
12. Minimum
13. Cubit
14. Logarithm
15. Centre
Click to read the comments on this entry...1. Arc
2. Polygon
3. Circle
4. Tangent
5. Coincide
6. Inscribe
7. Decagon
8. Geometry
9. Axiom
10. Unit
11. Matrix
12. Minimum
13. Cubit
14. Logarithm
15. Centre
Sex Math Jokes
Aug 31, 2009
When Noah's ark had finally come to a rest on top of mount Ararat,
and when the waters had receded, Noah and his family - along with all
the animals - left the ark, and God told them to be fruitful and
multiply upon the earth.
But after all those months under deck on an overcrowded ark, none of the animals was in the mood for sex anymore. Noah, who knew all too well what God could do in his wrath if his creatures were disobedient, got desperate.
But after all those months under deck on an overcrowded ark, none of the animals was in the mood for sex anymore. Noah, who knew all too well what God could do in his wrath if his creatures were disobedient, got desperate.
So, he tore down one of the ark's masts, cut it into pieces, and
built a table out of the logs. Then he told one of the snakes to
perform a lascivious dance on top of the table and made all the other
animals gather around it. After a while the snake's seductive moves
showed an effect: One animal after the other started rocking in the
rhythm of the snake's dance, and one after the other sneaked off with
its mate to more private places... Finally, the dancing snake and her
mate were all alone, and they too disappeared.
And Noah was pleased that God's will would be heeded.
Q: What does this story from the book of Genesis teach us about math?
A: When you have to multiply, all you need are a log table and an adder!
A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities. To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.
"But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!"
"What topic to you mean?"
"Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality."
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.-- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Want to read more? See our previous post for even more math sex jokes.
Click to read the comments on this entry...And Noah was pleased that God's will would be heeded.
Q: What does this story from the book of Genesis teach us about math?
A: When you have to multiply, all you need are a log table and an adder!
A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities. To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.
"But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!"
"What topic to you mean?"
"Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality."
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.-- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Want to read more? See our previous post for even more math sex jokes.
Your Momma is so... (Math Version)
Aug 30, 2009
A collection of "yo mama / your momma / your mom / your mama" (or whatever you want to call them) jokes - math style:
Your Momma is so dumb that she can't even solve a second-order non-homogeneous differential equation!
Your Momma is like a protractor.....good at every angle.
Your Momma prefers 77 to 69 because she gets 8 more
Your Momma is so stupid she thought that e^(pi*i) was equal to -2.
Your Momma is so dumb that she can't even solve a second-order non-homogeneous differential equation!
Your Momma is like a protractor.....good at every angle.
Your Momma prefers 77 to 69 because she gets 8 more
Your Momma is so stupid she thought that e^(pi*i) was equal to -2.
Your Momma is so dumb, she thinks cosine is something you do on a loan.
Your Momma is so dumb she tried to use the Pythagorean theorem to solve an obtuse triangle.
Your Momma thinks square roots are vegetables.
Your Momma's muscle to fat ratio can only be explained in irrational complex numbers.
The shortest distance between your momma and any given person is 50 cents.
The integral of your momma is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to more fat.
Your Momma is so fat, objects fall towards her at a rate of 9.8m/s^2.
Your Momma is so stupid she tried to find the total area of the graph under the function F(x)=sin x over the interval -1.
There is no finite sub cover which contains your momma, hence your momma is not compact.
Your Momma is slightly less attractive than the average woman in her age bracket!
Your Momma's so fat she has a proper subgroup isomorphic to herself.
Your Momma's easier than finding a trivial solution.
Your Momma has 11 fingers and 15 toes and STILL cannot count to 26!
Your Momma so fat, it takes her an hour to watch 60 minutes!
Suppose your momma is skinny, then there exists a domain her ass fits in. Contradiction, hence she has a huge ass.
I saw your momma on channel 7, and when I changed to channel 25 you could still see her ass sticking out.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Your Momma is so dumb she tried to use the Pythagorean theorem to solve an obtuse triangle.
Your Momma thinks square roots are vegetables.
Your Momma's muscle to fat ratio can only be explained in irrational complex numbers.
The shortest distance between your momma and any given person is 50 cents.
The integral of your momma is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to more fat.
Your Momma is so fat, objects fall towards her at a rate of 9.8m/s^2.
Your Momma is so stupid she tried to find the total area of the graph under the function F(x)=sin x over the interval -1.
There is no finite sub cover which contains your momma, hence your momma is not compact.
Your Momma is slightly less attractive than the average woman in her age bracket!
Your Momma's so fat she has a proper subgroup isomorphic to herself.
Your Momma's easier than finding a trivial solution.
Your Momma has 11 fingers and 15 toes and STILL cannot count to 26!
Your Momma so fat, it takes her an hour to watch 60 minutes!
Suppose your momma is skinny, then there exists a domain her ass fits in. Contradiction, hence she has a huge ass.
I saw your momma on channel 7, and when I changed to channel 25 you could still see her ass sticking out.
How mathematicians do it...
Aug 30, 2009
Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups.
Analysts do it continuously and smoothly.
Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups.
Analysts do it continuously and smoothly.
Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Banach spacers do it completely.
Bayesians do it with improper priors.
Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.
Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Complex analysts do it between the sheets
Computer scientists do it depth-first.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Decision theorists do it optimally.
Functional analysts do it with compact support.
Galois theorists do it in a field.
Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.
Geometers do it with involutions.
Geometers do it symmetrically.
Graph theorists do it in four colors.
Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.
Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely.
Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere
Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.
Set theorists do it with cardinals.
Statisticians probably do it.
Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains
Variationists do it locally and globally.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mðbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Bayesians do it with improper priors.
Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.
Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Complex analysts do it between the sheets
Computer scientists do it depth-first.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Decision theorists do it optimally.
Functional analysts do it with compact support.
Galois theorists do it in a field.
Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.
Geometers do it with involutions.
Geometers do it symmetrically.
Graph theorists do it in four colors.
Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.
Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely.
Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere
Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.
Set theorists do it with cardinals.
Statisticians probably do it.
Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains
Variationists do it locally and globally.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mðbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.
Sex Math Joke: A Complete Fail
Aug 27, 2009
There is a "sex math" trick that floated around the internet back in the day... it can be found at these places:
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/pages/sexmath.html
http://somethinbeautiful.blogspot.com/2008/11/amazing-sex-mathematics.html
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/sex_mathematics.htm
The only problem is this trick ONLY works if the year is 2003. Basically, the trick goes like this:
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/pages/sexmath.html
http://somethinbeautiful.blogspot.com/2008/11/amazing-sex-mathematics.html
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/sex_mathematics.htm
The only problem is this trick ONLY works if the year is 2003. Basically, the trick goes like this:
First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex .........
(try for more than once but less than 10)
Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
Add 5. (for Friday Night)
Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)
I'll wait while you get the calculator................
If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....
If you haven't, add 1752 ..........
Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
(if you remember)
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).
The next two numbers are your age.
IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?
But this sex math trick is a complete FAIL, hardly impressive I would say. You pick a single digit number x.
2x
2x+5
100x+250
100x+2003 (or + 2002)
100x+2003 (or + 2002) - your birth year.
It's clear where the error is. If you do 2003 (or 2002 if you already had your birthday) and subtract your birth year then you would get your age in 2003. Thus, every year, the "add 1753" step needs to change to adjust for which year it is. Obviously if you keep it at 1753 then the trick won't work in future years (like 2009).
Funny math pickup lines
Aug 23, 2009
Being without you is like being a metric space in which exists
a cauchy sequence that does not converge.
Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
i = Ø when i am not with you.
Since distance equals velocity x time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
i = Ø when i am not with you.
Can I explore your mean value?
My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function.
You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.
Your beauty defies real AND complex analysis.
What's your favourite linear transformation?
I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.
Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge.
Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place I know of and i'll take you to the limit.
Let me integrate our curves so that I can increase our volume.
Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.
My love is like an exponential curve. It's unbounded
My love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.
My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it is always increasing. We're going to assume this concave up function resembles x^2 so that slopes is actually increasing.
You and I add up better than a riemann sum.
You've got more curves than a triple integral.
If I were a function you would be my asymptote - I always tend towards you.
I wish i was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.
int[2x,x,10,13]?
I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.
You fascinate me more than the fundamental theorem of calculus.
I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect and union you.
Click to read the comments on this entry...My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function.
You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.
Your beauty defies real AND complex analysis.
What's your favourite linear transformation?
I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.
Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge.
Come on baby, let's off to a decimal place I know of and i'll take you to the limit.
Let me integrate our curves so that I can increase our volume.
Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.
My love is like an exponential curve. It's unbounded
My love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.
My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it is always increasing. We're going to assume this concave up function resembles x^2 so that slopes is actually increasing.
You and I add up better than a riemann sum.
You've got more curves than a triple integral.
If I were a function you would be my asymptote - I always tend towards you.
I wish i was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.
int[2x,x,10,13]?
I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.
You fascinate me more than the fundamental theorem of calculus.
I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect and union you.
CLEARLY:
I don't want to write down all the "in- between" steps.
TRIVIAL:
If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...
I don't want to write down all the "in- between" steps.
TRIVIAL:
If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):
I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove.
HINT:
The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE:
Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree."
SOFT PROOF:
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent):
If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing...
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:
I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
BRIEFLY:
I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
LET'S TALK THROUGH IT:
I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter.
PROOF OMITTED:
Trust me, It's true.
Click to read the comments on this entry...I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove.
HINT:
The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE:
Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree."
SOFT PROOF:
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent):
If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing...
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:
I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
BRIEFLY:
I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
LET'S TALK THROUGH IT:
I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter.
PROOF OMITTED:
Trust me, It's true.
Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through
a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition
that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly,
however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it
was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her
surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, 3 branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once
more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She
was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a
singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he
wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to no good.
"Eureka," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you are bubbling over with secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested. "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's homogeneous then."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he asked.
"Of course not!" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
If you want to keep your expression convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to no good.
"Eureka," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you are bubbling over with secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested. "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's homogeneous then."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he asked.
"Of course not!" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
If you want to keep your expression convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Jokes: Top 10 excuses for not doing your homework!
Aug 19, 2009
10. It's Fermat's birthday
9. I didn't know whether "i" is the square root of -1 or "i" are the square root of -1.
8. I accidentally divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
7. I had too much pi and got sick.
6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
5. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it.
3. My 4-dimensional dog ate it.
2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy yesterday.
1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.
Click to read the comments on this entry...9. I didn't know whether "i" is the square root of -1 or "i" are the square root of -1.
8. I accidentally divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
7. I had too much pi and got sick.
6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
5. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it.
3. My 4-dimensional dog ate it.
2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy yesterday.
1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.
How to prove it
Aug 19, 2009
Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
Proof by omission:
"The reader may easily supply the details" or "The other 253 cases are analogous"
Proof by deferral:
"We'll prove this later in the course".
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.
Proof by intimidation:
"Trivial."
Proof by adverb:
"As is quite clear, the elementary aforementioned statement is obviously valid."
Proof by seduction:
"Convince yourself that this is true! "
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by eminent authority:
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete."
Proof by personal communication:
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication]."
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
Click to read the comments on this entry..."The reader may easily supply the details" or "The other 253 cases are analogous"
Proof by deferral:
"We'll prove this later in the course".
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.
Proof by intimidation:
"Trivial."
Proof by adverb:
"As is quite clear, the elementary aforementioned statement is obviously valid."
Proof by seduction:
"Convince yourself that this is true! "
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by eminent authority:
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete."
Proof by personal communication:
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication]."
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
Math Songs - A Calculus Carol
Aug 7, 2009Written by: Denis Gannon
(to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree")
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy I'm beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
They're just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Hilarious Math Jokes
Aug 2, 2009
Q: What's nutritious and commutes?
An Abelian soup.
Q: What's hot, chunky and acts on a polygon?
Dihedral soup.
Q: What's sour, yellow, and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemon.
Q: What is brown, furry, runs to the sea, and is equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemming.
An Abelian soup.
Q: What's hot, chunky and acts on a polygon?
Dihedral soup.
Q: What's sour, yellow, and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemon.
Q: What is brown, furry, runs to the sea, and is equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemming.
Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can't cross two scalars.
Click to read the comments on this entry...You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can't cross two scalars.
Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi
Jul 30, 2009
10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) Pie without e just doesn't taste that good.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi) is a really nasty number, but ln(e) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.
Click to read the comments on this entry...9) Pie without e just doesn't taste that good.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi) is a really nasty number, but ln(e) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.
Statistician jokes
Jul 29, 2009
A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.
Q: How do you save a drowning statistician?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died...
Q: How do you save a drowning statistician?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died...
Never fear, he announced, because
the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would
now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one
statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall back on lies.
Are statisticians normal?
Statistics are like a bikini - what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Statistics in the hands of an engineer are like a lamppost to a drunk--they're used more for support than illumination.
The average statistician is just plain mean.
The average Australian has one testical and one breast and less that two legs!
Statisticians do it......
Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with significance.
Probabilists do it on random walks.
Probabilists do it stochastically.
Statisticians do all the standard deviations.
Click to read the comments on this entry...In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall back on lies.
Are statisticians normal?
Statistics are like a bikini - what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Statistics in the hands of an engineer are like a lamppost to a drunk--they're used more for support than illumination.
The average statistician is just plain mean.
The average Australian has one testical and one breast and less that two legs!
Statisticians do it......
Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with significance.
Probabilists do it on random walks.
Probabilists do it stochastically.
Statisticians do all the standard deviations.
Math Grape Jokes
Jul 28, 2009
Q: What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.
Q: What is purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
A simple grape, it has no normal subgrapes.
Q: What is lavender and commutes?
An Abelian semigrape.
An Abelian grape.
Q: What is purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
A simple grape, it has no normal subgrapes.
Q: What is lavender and commutes?
An Abelian semigrape.
Q: What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.
Q: What's purple, round, and doesn't get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.
Click to read the comments on this entry...A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.
Q: What's purple, round, and doesn't get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.
Funny Math Jokes
Jul 27, 2009
Q: What is green and homeomorphic to the open unit interval?
The real lime.
Q: What is yellow, linear, normed and complete?
A Bananach space.
Q: What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh!
The real lime.
Q: What is yellow, linear, normed and complete?
A Bananach space.
Q: What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh!
Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... Please Don't Drink and Derive!
Q: What is a proof?
One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!
Q:What is a dilemma?
A lemma that proves two results.
Q: What's a polar bear?
A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Q: What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?
Moebius Dick.
Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
An Algebra.
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.0. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.
Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
Because he wasn't Abel.
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
Alex: What's your favorite thing about mathematics?
Jake: Knot theory.
Alex: Yeah, me neither.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: What do you get if you cross oatmeal with a duck?
|oatmeal|*|duck|*sin(theta)
Q: What is a topologist?
Someone who cannot distinguish between a donut and a coffee cup.
Q: What is a compact city?
It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many nearsighted policemen.
Q: Why can't you grow wheat in Z/6Z?
It's not a field.
Q: What's grey, huge and has integer coefficients?
An elephantine equation.
Q: What is used by Canadians (and people from Wisconsin) to help solve certain differential equations?
The Lacross transform.
Q: What is clear and used by trendy sophisticated engineers to solve other differential equations?
The Perrier transform.
Q: What is very old, used by farmers, and obeys the fundamental theorem of arthimetic?
An antique tractorization domain.
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
They required an orientation.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other...
Q: What did Zero say to Eight?
Nice belt.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably...
Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at the Mandarin, insist on taking the leftovers home?
Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Click to read the comments on this entry...Q: What is a proof?
One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!
Q:What is a dilemma?
A lemma that proves two results.
Q: What's a polar bear?
A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Q: What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?
Moebius Dick.
Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
An Algebra.
In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.0. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.
Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
Because he wasn't Abel.
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
Alex: What's your favorite thing about mathematics?
Jake: Knot theory.
Alex: Yeah, me neither.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: What do you get if you cross oatmeal with a duck?
|oatmeal|*|duck|*sin(theta)
Q: What is a topologist?
Someone who cannot distinguish between a donut and a coffee cup.
Q: What is a compact city?
It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many nearsighted policemen.
Q: Why can't you grow wheat in Z/6Z?
It's not a field.
Q: What's grey, huge and has integer coefficients?
An elephantine equation.
Q: What is used by Canadians (and people from Wisconsin) to help solve certain differential equations?
The Lacross transform.
Q: What is clear and used by trendy sophisticated engineers to solve other differential equations?
The Perrier transform.
Q: What is very old, used by farmers, and obeys the fundamental theorem of arthimetic?
An antique tractorization domain.
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
They required an orientation.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other...
Q: What did Zero say to Eight?
Nice belt.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably...
Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at the Mandarin, insist on taking the leftovers home?
Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Why hasn't there ever been a gay mathematician?
Jul 24, 2009
This question was asked on yahoo questions. Most of the answers were refuting the claim but one answer given was: They are discrete. (lol)
In actuality, there are lots. The most famous being Alan Turing, but others include Ronald Brown.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Hilarious Math Pick-up Lines
Jul 23, 2009
I wish you were my calculator so i could plug my natural log into you.
I wish I was sin^2(x) and you were cos^2(x), so together we could be 1.
I wish our dot product were 0 so my vector could be normal to your unit circle.
I wish I was sin^2(x) and you were cos^2(x), so together we could be 1.
I wish our dot product were 0 so my vector could be normal to your unit circle.
I want to be a derivative so i can be tangent to your curves.
Why don't you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to simplest form?
How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?
Ever wonder what L'Hopital's rule has to say about limits in the form of me over you?
Baby, can I be your integral, so I can be the area underneath your curves.
Can I plug my solution into your equation?
The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you won't know the volume of mine until tonight.
Click to read the comments on this entry...Why don't you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to simplest form?
How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?
Ever wonder what L'Hopital's rule has to say about limits in the form of me over you?
Baby, can I be your integral, so I can be the area underneath your curves.
Can I plug my solution into your equation?
The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you won't know the volume of mine until tonight.
Funny Math Limericks
Jul 23, 2009
There once was a number named pi
Who frequently liked to get high.
All he did every day
Was sit in his room and play
With his imaginary friend named i.
There once was a number named e
Who took way too much LSD.
She thought she was great.
But that fact we must debate;
We know she wasn't greater than 3.
Who frequently liked to get high.
All he did every day
Was sit in his room and play
With his imaginary friend named i.
There once was a number named e
Who took way too much LSD.
She thought she was great.
But that fact we must debate;
We know she wasn't greater than 3.
A mathematician confided
That the M"obius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the M"obius band was divine
Said he: If you glue
The edges of two
You'll get a weird bottles like mine.
There was a young fellow named Fisk,
A swordsman, exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Pi goes on and on and on ...
And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger
When their digits are reversed?
If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here's the value defined:
2.718281...
Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
A burleycque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether the circle is round;
In a paper by Erdo"s,
written in Kurdish,
A counterexample is found.
There once was a log named Lynn
Whose life was devoted to sin.
She came from a tree
Whose base was shaped like an e.
She's the most natural log I've seen.
Click to read the comments on this entry...That the M"obius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the M"obius band was divine
Said he: If you glue
The edges of two
You'll get a weird bottles like mine.
There was a young fellow named Fisk,
A swordsman, exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Pi goes on and on and on ...
And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger
When their digits are reversed?
If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here's the value defined:
2.718281...
Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
A burleycque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether the circle is round;
In a paper by Erdo"s,
written in Kurdish,
A counterexample is found.
There once was a log named Lynn
Whose life was devoted to sin.
She came from a tree
Whose base was shaped like an e.
She's the most natural log I've seen.
Math Sex Jokes
Jul 22, 2009
Are you 2x? Because I want to integrate you from 10 to 13!
I derived your mom last night.
It was f prime.
How is sex like math?
1. Half the time I get an odd result.
2. If my hands aren't enough, I end up using my head.
3. I always wonder how the person next to me is doing on his work.
4. My average at each is pretty dismal.
I derived your mom last night.
It was f prime.
How is sex like math?
1. Half the time I get an odd result.
2. If my hands aren't enough, I end up using my head.
3. I always wonder how the person next to me is doing on his work.
4. My average at each is pretty dismal.
What is 69 and 69?
Dinner for four..
What is 6.9?
Good sex interrupted by a period.
Q: If you go to bed 8 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 7 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
At this moment 5 million are having sex, 2 million are in gun fights, 91 million at a party, and one sad loser is reading this joke
A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends want to know."It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..." "Tell us!" "Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in girls clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
Q: How are math and sex the same?
A: I don't get either one.
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn't move after the second beep he was asked why. "Because I know I will never reach the woman." The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, "Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
Why does 1+1=1?
1 male + 1 female = 1 baby
Q: If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends get?
A: None.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Before I root you, are you over 18?
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."
Sex is like math:
Add the bed,
Subtract the clothes,
Divide the legs,
and pray to God you don't Multiply!
Subscribe!