So, he tore down one of the ark's masts, cut it into pieces, and built a table out of the logs. Then he told one of the snakes to perform a lascivious dance on top of the table and made all the other animals gather around it. After a while the snake's seductive moves showed an effect: One animal after the other started rocking in the rhythm of the snake's dance, and one after the other sneaked off with its mate to more private places... Finally, the dancing snake and her mate were all alone, and they too disappeared.

And Noah was pleased that God's will would be heeded.

Q: What does this story from the book of Genesis teach us about math?
A: When you have to multiply, all you need are a log table and an adder!

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A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities. To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.

"But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!"

"What topic to you mean?"
"Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality."

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

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Want to read more? See our previous post for even more math sex jokes.

Banach spacers do it completely.

Bayesians do it with improper priors.

Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.

Complex analysts do it between the sheets

Computer scientists do it depth-first.

Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.

Decision theorists do it optimally.

Functional analysts do it with compact support.

Galois theorists do it in a field.

Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.

Geometers do it with involutions.

Geometers do it symmetrically.

Graph theorists do it in four colors.

Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.

Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.

Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.

Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely.

Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.

(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].

Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally.

Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.

Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.

Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.

Real analysts do it almost everywhere

Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.

Set theorists do it with cardinals.

Statisticians probably do it.

Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains

Variationists do it locally and globally.

Cantor did it diagonally.

Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.

Galois did it the night before.

Mðbius always does it on the same side.

Markov does it in chains.

Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.

Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

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First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex .........
(try for more than once but less than 10)

Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

Add 5. (for Friday Night)

Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)

I'll wait while you get the calculator................

If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....

If you haven't, add 1752 ..........

Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
(if you remember)

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).

The next two numbers are your age.

IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?

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But this sex math trick is a complete FAIL, hardly impressive I would say. You pick a single digit number x.
2x
2x+5
100x+250
100x+2003 (or + 2002)
100x+2003 (or + 2002) - your birth year.

It's clear where the error is. If you do 2003 (or 2002 if you already had your birthday) and subtract your birth year then you would get your age in 2003. Thus, every year, the "add 1753" step needs to change to adjust for which year it is. Obviously if you keep it at 1753 then the trick won't work in future years (like 2009).

What is 69 and 69?
Dinner for four..

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What is 6.9?
Good sex interrupted by a period.

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Q: If you go to bed 8 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 7 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!

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At this moment 5 million are having sex, 2 million are in gun fights, 91 million at a party, and one sad loser is reading this joke

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A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends want to know."It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..." "Tell us!" "Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'"

One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."

"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in girls clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

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Q: How are math and sex the same?
A: I don't get either one.

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A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn't move after the second beep he was asked why. "Because I know I will never reach the woman." The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, "Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

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A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

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Why does 1+1=1?
1 male + 1 female = 1 baby

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Q: If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends get?
A: None.

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Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

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Before I root you, are you over 18?

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"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

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Sex is like math:
Add the bed,
Subtract the clothes,
Divide the legs,
and pray to God you don't Multiply!